The Voice of God

The first few hours coming out of a major surgery rank up there as the some of the worst hours of life. I don't think this is common to just open-heart surgery patients. It seems the longer and more intense the surgery, the harder the journey is back to your brain.

You who have had this experience are already nodding. It's like those old anti-drug commercials depicting a smashed up egg as your brain on drugs. When I first started coming back - after a 9-hour surgery, thirteen hours and 34 units of blood later, I was barely alive. I would open heavy eyes enough to see myself bend my arm and wiggle my fingers. It was fascinating to me to watch my pale arm weave through the air for a brief second. Duuuuuuude.

I couldn't speak. I was on a ventilator. The pain sat right outside of my mind's reach. My body burned from behind the drug mask and pain seeped out through my closed eyes in silent fat tears. The cocktail dripping into my veins hid the pain then, but not from my memories now.

Throughout those early hours were the constants in my journey. My sister rubbing my feet. My husband kissing my forehead. My dad sitting quietly in the dark. And, of course, my mother's voice. I recall nothing of what was said, only those brief images and sounds coming from the room and the recesses of my numbed mind.

As the edges of the world began to form, I turned my head to the side. Where I later learned there was a counter, sink and a wall, at that time I saw a curtain over a sliding glass door. The door was partially open and the curtain pulled back. The British nurse was barking, her accent coarse, something about me. The cult. She was reaching over the other nurses at the workstation - she was telling them that I hadn't been initiated yet.

I panicked, my eyes widening. I was trapped in this bed. In this cursed body, by the central line out my neck, by the hot blankets. My waving hand lost its magic. There was a yellowish light from above me - was that the lamp by my bed at my parents home that I used only as an adult? My cheeks were wet. I could still hear that harsh British voice urging the nurses to hurry.

At that moment, my mother came into the room. I called out to her. "Help me!" I was crying harder now. "They're going to hurt me! Put me into a cult!"

My mom brushed my cheek with her hand. She told me that everything was going to be okay. That she would pray with me. I looked at her and she held my hot hands in her cool ones. "God is in this room, Sarah," she said. I could see her face and her hair silloutted against the yellow light. "Just remember that God is in this room."

I closed my eyes. Reassured by her voice and her prayer.

A long time later, when I was out of the hospital, when I heard about a family friend having a hard time post-surgery, I asked my mom if she remembered when she came in and helped me through my hallucinations. She said no. She never did anything like that. I pressed her. Was she sure?

That's when I knew. God had been in the room with me. God had been there all the time. A shrewd move - when a voice and visage were too powerful to come to a girl fresh from the shock of survival, instead came as one of his humble servants. In the voice and visage of the one I trusted more than any other, He came to remind me that I wasn't alone.

I'm so fortunate to have the mother that I do. She's been there through marriages, moves, surgeries, graduations and Super Bowls. Nearly every momentous occasion in my life, has a corresponding memory of my mother. I look up to her as I look up to few people. Maybe anyone, actually.

On this, her birthday (three days late notwithstanding), I wish her an amazing year full of growth, love and life anew.

I love you, Mom!

My Beautiful Heart

Wow. Two years, two months and two days - an amazing gift.

I had my annual tests on Monday. Everything went well except for the insane amount of sedative. It was probably totally normal for folks accustomed to the juice, but for me, dude, I was toast for a couple of days. Anyway, on to the good stuff!

- Grade zero biopsy – no rejection

- Heart is pumping like a champ – 4.6 liters. Compare that to the 1.5 liters from my pre-transplant days.

- My VO2 max has improved from last year and vastly from years before. I am at 96% of my age potential. Most transplants, due to the physical differences in our cardiovascular anatomy, hover around 75% of age potential.

- My heart is clear of any blockages. I think I could auction my total cholesterol number if I wanted, but to be honest, that's all thanks to Zocor.

After my clinic visit in March, I'm not due back for a year. A YEAR. More on this in a later blog post. In the meantime, here is my Thumper. You can see the outline of the heart and the beautiful clear left coronary arteries. The weird circular things are actually the wires around my sternum.

 

My Double Life

Apparently many of us are living double lives. Profoundly exciting and so secret that only a Google search can discover what we've been up to.

I've seen this Internet meme floating around on a couple of the vlogs I follow on YouTube. An internet meme, I had to look it up, is defined on Wikipedia as "a neologism [a recently coined word] used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an inside joke."

So, the Google Verb Meme - take your name and a verb and Google it to find out what you are up to. Try it for yourself! Here is mine.

Sarah Needs
Sarah needs a cold shower, self-esteem. [Wow. Who knew?]

Sarah Looks Like
Sarah looks like Nicole Ritchie. [Well I guess I am pretty thin.]

Sarah Says
Sarah says "Let's just say that I knew this meeting wasn't to promote me to office person of the century." [More than you know...more than you know.]

Sarah Wants
Sarah wants us to know that she’ll help expand that hole. [I am not happy that I share a name with Sarah Palin.]

Sarah Does
Sarah does not eat humans. [You can all rest easy. I prefer pork.]

Sarah Hates
Sarah hates you. [Oh dear. Not really.]

Sarah Asks
Sarah asks "what's this New Year's thing?" [Um...]

Sarah Likes
Sarah likes to smell Colleen's armpits. [I guess.]

Sarah Eats
Sarah eats cake. [I can guarantee you that it isn't human cake.]

Sarah Wears
Sarah wears a bra and shoes sometimes. [But only sometimes...]

Sarah Was Arrested For
Sarah was arrested for cutting buckets of water that would put out the fire. [Hence why I'm not allowed to fireteam. So sad this habit of mine.]

Sarah Loves
Sarah loves pop culture. [Really? I guess I sort of do.]

So now that you have all this misinformation about me, tell me about your double life...

The Little Things

Today my boss asked me to run over to Great Harvest and pick up some sandwiches. It's not a bad part of my job - getting sandwiches for them always means one for me. Great Harvest always gives you a slice of their soft, salty bread when you purchase anything. As I stood there debating on what slice I would chose (their hearty sunflower slathered with soft butter), I became suddenly grateful for the bustling shop, the hungry guys waiting for me at work, the smell of the warm bakery and the taste of that bread. I am alive. My heart is beating. Two years and nearly two months of warm, soft yummy goodness. You can't beat that.

Some Odds and Ends

Welcome to all the new readers of my blog! I've noticed an increase in traffic over the last few days and I am honored to be a part of your day in even a small way!

In lieu of a real blog entry today (more to come as the week progresses) here are a few odds and ends:

- For all those who prayed for Liz, thank you. Everything is back to normal (which for her, is consistently good) and she is scheduled for release tomorrow.

- We are smitten. We are in love. I can't say any more even though I am nearly bursting at the seams. Hopefully more good news to report as the weeks progress.

- Try beef stroganoff made with buffalo sirloin sometime. You will not be disappointed and it's better for you anyway.

- It's always the best when you hear stories about someone you've known all your life that you've never heard before. In this case, it is my dad. Check out his blog if you get a moment.

- And lastly, as a present to all of you who have ever hung out on YouTube and shudder at the horrible comments. These girls have it going on.



Thank you again to all the new readers! Hope to see you again soon!

View from Celestial Seasonings 12:15 am

From Fire

From Fire

From Fire

Click on the pictures to view larger images.

Testing the Changeover

I am changing over all my Google accounts and this is a test post to make sure it all worked alright!